I don’t know why, but reading all my other weight loss/fitness blogs has made me want to document my own journey. Both for personal reflection and hopefully public motivation.
This will be severely humbling. A lot of my weight comes from my emotions and I’m going to feel very raw and exposed talking about this. But at this point, I want to deal with the real reason I’m overweight so that I don’t gain the weight back again.
I’m without a doubt an emotional eater. I eat when I’m happy, sad, angry, lonely, bored. Occasionally when I’m hungry.
I started the latest bout of my weight loss journey roughly on May 1st, 2012. I was in a dark dark place at that point. I had spent the end of March and most of April dealing with getting fired very unexpectedly. It shattered my confidence in almost every way. I shut down from life wanting to completely give up. I rarely left the house. Had no one over. It took over a week before I started even looking at job ads (I can sulk but I ultimately have rent to pay) and only really went out for interviews. Which weren’t going as well as they usually would because I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. But then I ended up being too quiet. I eventually ended up with 2 job offers and chose the one I felt suited me best (and paid more, let’s be honest here). Landing a job didn’t help my confidence because I spent the first 3 weeks in a constant state of anxiety over being fired again (the previous job I only lasted 3 weeks at). I was in near tears every day at work because I was terrified of having the rug ripped out from under me again. The anxiety thankfully did subside and I’ve already been there 2 months.
Along with getting fired I was also dealing with the world’s longest (and hardest and ugliest) break up. The relationship with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years had disintegrated at the end of last year, but it took until the end of April for contact to really be severed. I did something crazy (let’s just say it involves Facebook) and it was the final straw for everyone. We originally wanted to just take a break and fix things, but when it wasn’t going as well as I had hoped, I couldn’t handle it. And when he ended contact I was despondent.
I was so distraught I set on a mission to actually gain weight. I wasn’t far from being 250 pounds and I wanted to hit that mark. I wanted to be alone forever. I was sure I would be. I was fat and crazy- who would want me?
I was surprisingly unsuccessful. There were many a tub of frosting consumed. Packs of cookies. Easter candy. Ice cream. Serious sugar binge. I’m surprised I didn’t go into a sugar coma.
I had also quit running when I got fired, something I had been working on since November even through the break up, 2 moves, and 2 job changes.
I don’t really remember the exact moment I said this was stupid and put down the spoon of frosting. At the end of April my mom and my best friend had rejoined Weight Watchers. My mom was showing success on the scale immediately and my best friend kept encouraging me to do it with her (as I had always bugged her to run with me). I insisted I wasn’t ready. And it’d be a waste of money to start when I wasn’t ready. It planted a seed though and only a week later I was ready. I had the Weight Watchers website up for a few days and finally late one night I said fuck it and registered. The next day I jumped back into my Couch to 5k program. I went to my 1st meeting a few days later.
That first meeting was horrible for me. I was scared to death. With the emotional state I was in, I felt like everyone knew i was fat because I was sad, and for some reason that’s the scariest thing in the world. I weighed in at 248.6 on my first day. Woah. I knew my weight. I owned a scale. Still never liked seeing it.
My first week of Weight Watchers involved few immediate changes. I made a deal with myself I could still eat what I wanted but I had to track it (accountability). I also kept running because I remembered how much I loved it. I found though as I was tracking my food, I didn’t want to go above my points (a very generous 39- I have no idea what I’m gonna do when I’m down to 26 points. Starve I’m sure.) My biggest concentration was cutting out the junk. I was only eating sugar for about a month so going almost cold turkey was a severe struggle. I sorta weened myself off by just drinking tea with sugar in it and slowly reducing the amount until I was down to a respectable tea spoon per glass.
I lost 5 pounds my 1st week!
I was ecstatic! I kept tracking. I kept running.
I gained 1.2 my second. Da fuck?? I was crushed. I wanted to quit. I bitched to my friend for 30 minutes that I was quitting. This was stupid. It was never going to work. I had done everything right and I gained!! After I was done bitching, I stayed for the meeting (I was already there…). Which reinspired me. Thank god. I feel bad for people who don’t have meetings to go to (my friend being one).
I’m working on I believe week 7 and I hit my 5% goal and am down a total of 13.4! I joined WW wanting to loose 100 pounds. Now I only have 87 more to go 🙂
I have more to talk about- past history. Daily struggles. Goals. But I wanted to get the beginning of my story down. The real, hard story. Of being fat. And sad.